Final Fantasy: The Comedy
by EternityInYourArms
Summary: Ok, I'm not really sure how to describe this. So I'll just say a few words *ahem* Mr.President tries to get laid, Kadaj having a sleepover -er, all-nighter- and... OMG! Mrs.Loz? You'll have to read it to believe it. Rated M for language.
1. Happy Hour

Ok, this is another thing that my sister and I came up with. I finally got her to allow me to put it on this sight, hehe.

Um, Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII. Believe me, if I did, then I would have Cloud or Reno (depending on my mood, really) as my love-slave and I'm sure my twin would be all over Sephiroth.  
I also don't own this idea. My twin, Carly, is the one that wrote this, tho I did help some with the ideas.

* * *

7th Heaven

Loz walks into 7th Heaven, sits at the bar and gets a drink. He slams it back and puts it back on the counter, saying, "I hate my job."  
Rufus Shin-Ra walks in, sits beside him, gets a drink and downs it, slamming it down on the counter, "I loath my job!!"  
Kadaj comes in and sits with them, doing the same, getting a drink, downing it, and slamming the glass down, "I hate both of you."  
They look at him, each other, then him again before Loz says, "But... I'm your older brother."  
"Yeah, and 'cause of you no girls will come around because they think I need my big brother to go everywhere with me. Damn you!! You've ruined my sex life!"  
Rufus laughs, "Didn't know you had one! Besides, your a kid, you don't need a woman." he leans against the bar, "I have all the woman I need!"  
"Which couldn't be that many seeing as how he doesn't have anything to give." Kadaj whispers to Loz, who bursts into laughter.  
Rufus glares at them, "Watch." he gets a girl to come over and, after only whispering things in her ear, gets her to agrea to go home with him later. He turns to them with satisfaction. "See?"  
Kadaj and Loz look at each other before Loz nods to a girl, getting her to come over, "Hey, sweety, wanna come by my place and..." he wags his brows, whispers naughty things in her ear, and finally gets her to agrea. He grins at Rufus, "Ha!"  
Kadaj shakes his head, "Watch this. Hey!" he gets a girl over and winks at her, waving back his hair and giving her a look and she cries, "TAKE ME NOW!" He looks at them. "Beat that!"  
Rufus nudges Loz, "He's good... and how old is he?"  
"He's a freakin' teenager!" Loz mutters pissed.  
Rufus laughs and looks at a table with a couple of women and goes over and a few minutes later, comes back with a phone number.  
"A number?" Loz shakes his head, going over to another table and getting a few numbers.

Kadaj takes one look at them and bursts into laughter.

Loz and Rufus look at each other then back, "What?"  
"That's the Rejection Hotline!" Kadaj chokes out, laughing so hard he's crying.  
Loz stares at the number in horror, "WHAT!!! How do you know?"

Kadaj hands him his phone, still laughing.

Rufus takes the phone, calls the number and hears, "This is the rejection hotline. You are probably thinking you scored big by getting this but YOU DIDN'T!! You're a scum sucking pedifile and a pervert and no one wants to date you!! You have nooooo sex appeal!! Live out your useless life without a woman, or take your life now! Make sure to leave your will in plain view so whoever wants may change it to their advantage seeing as how you wont need anything after you're DEAD!! Goodbye!" Rufus bursts into laughter. "He was right!!"

"Told you!" Kadaj laughs, but calms himself before going over to another table and coming back very shortly after with phone number, cell phone numbers, and a house key with an address. "Beat that!"

Loz growls, looking over at a girl and winking, getting her to blush and scurry away.

Rufus scoffs at this, grinning to a girl and wagging the eyebrows to make her blush and blow him a kiss.

Kadaj shakes his head at this, turning to look at a table of girls and, with a wink, a flip of the hair, and a look, gets all the girls to faint. He smiles victoriously.

Rufus and Loz stare at him, "He cheated." Rufus states.

Loz slams his fist down, grabbing a woman and kissing her, and when he stops she's all flushed and wanting more.

Rufus nods at his attempt at victory and grabs a woman, kisses her, and she slips her calling card in his jacket.

Loz and Rufus watch Kadaj as he grabs a woman, kisses her thoroughly, and when he's done, finds that she'd fainted from the kiss.

"Damn, he's good!" Rufus whistles.  
"Not good, cocky!" Loz growls.

The "pissing contest" continues for awhile before they finally settle for a drinking contest. Kadaj and Loz, sadly, get plastered very quickly and Rufus, having slipped a few hundred bucks to the waitress, only had coca-cola and water, so he was well enough to even call Yazoo to get Kadaj and Loz. When Yazoo arrives, he curses up a storm.

"Damn it, you shit heads! Assholes! I cannot believe I have to lug your drunken asses home like this!!! AGAIN!! Why do you keep getting in drinking matches with Shin-Ra? You know he only drinks coke and water, never alchohal! Chicken shits!" he curses enough to make a sailor blush and cough as he pulls them out, knocking Kadaj out when he tried to make a move of him, thinking he was a girl. "Ass-pirate, you freakin' hell rat!!"

* * *

So, what do you think? I hope you liked it, cuz otherwise you would be hurting my sisters feelings, and then she'd be forced to hurt you. ^^


	2. Slumber Party

Okay, here's the next one!! Again, my twin was the one to write this. Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, then you can bet your bonnet I would be all over Cloud, hehe Now, on to the story!!

* * *

"Loz, I want to have a slumber party!" Kadaj states, standing before his eldest brother.  
Loz groans, "Kadaj, men don't say 'slumber party', we say 'all nighter'. Got it?"  
Kadaj nods, "Alright, I want to have an all nighter."  
"Is your room clean? The dishes done? The floors swept and mopped? The kitchen straightened out? The laundry done? Oh, and the bathrooms spotless?" Loz walks to the door, stopping, "Be done by the time I get back from the Salon and we'll talk." He leaves Kadaj to his maid work.  
Kadaj sighs before seeing his other brother, "Hey, Yazoo-"  
"Don't even think about it!! You want the friends over, you clean the place! Thems the rules, Kadaj. I'm outta here." Yazoo turns away.  
"Where are you going?"  
"I'm gonna see a man about a dog." he says over his shoulder, leaving.

Kadaj sighs heavily, surveys the damage, and sets himself. Changing into something more fitting for the job, he gets to work. He cleans up his stuff, puts Yazoo's in his room, Loz's in his, and does the dishes. He sweeps the floors and is mopping when Yazoo returns. Yazoo takes in the sight of his little brother, hair tied haphazardly back, tattered jeans, and no shirt.  
Yazoo raises an eyebrow, "Cinderella?"  
Kadaj snarls, throwing his soapy sponge at Yazoo and beaming him in the face, "Shut it, Yazoo!!"  
Yazoo hisses, wiping suds from his face, "Now I'm gonna need a shower!! Hope you're happy!" he growls, heading toward the bathroom.  
"Thrilled, and, while you're in there, clean the shower!"  
Yazoo makes a beeline for the front door, "On second thought, I'm gonna take a swim in the lake."  
"Cold water!!" Kadaj chuckles, finishing just as Loz walks in.  
He looks the place over, nods, "Good, now wash my bike."  
"Loz!" Kadaj growls threateningly.  
Loz laughs nerviously, "Kidding, good job, you can have your get together. Who're you inviting?"  
"I was thinking big brother, his lady friends, that readheaded jackass and that bald partner of his."  
"Do you have invitations?"  
"Nope, gonna go in person. Unless..."  
"Not gonna happen! You go 'cause this is your thing. You're paying for the food, too."

Kadaj nods, going out and mounting his bike and speeding in the direction of the Healin Lodge. He parks and gets off and raises his keychain.  
*BEEP* *BEEP*

He puts away his keys and goes up the steps to the door, knocking and waiting til it opens to reveal Tseng.  
"Hello, is Reno and Rude able to come over to my house for a all nighter I'm pulling?" Kadaj asks.  
Tseng shakes his head, "I don't know, Reno was grounded yesterday."  
"What he do?"  
"He spray painted Mr. Presidents wheelchair." he states matter of factly.  
Kadaj nods, "Can I ask Mr. President?"  
Tseng thinks a moment before nodding, stepping aside, "Wait here while I get him."

He leaves, and soon Rufus Shin-Ra wheels in, his wheelchair all sciffed and shit from being scrubbed to high hell.  
"Ah, Kadaj, how are you? You're brothers doing good?"  
Kadaj nods, his hands behind his back, "Can Reno and Rude come over for a all nighter?"  
Rufus thinks a moment, "Who will be there?"  
"Cloud, his friends, and my brothers will be there for parental supervision."  
Shin-Ra nods, "All right, but Reno has to be back early. I need him to paint the floors."  
"Paint the floors?"  
"Yeah, I don't like the tile."  
"How 'bout he rip up the tile then put new down?"  
Rufus snaps his fingers, "Brilliant!! When he's finished, he'll think twice before pimping my wheels without permission!!!"

Reno and Rude follow Kadaj out, getting in their car and following Kadaj to 7th Heaven.  
They enter and spot Tifa, "Hi, Ms. Lockhart, is Cloud here?" Kadaj asks boyishly.  
Tifa shakes her head, "He is, but he's still in bed. You can go up and wake him if you want."  
Kadaj grins, "I think I will." he goes up and, grabbing a pitcher of water on the way, goes into Cloud's room. "Brother, wakey wakey eggs and bakie." Kadaj held the pitcher of water over Cloud. "Time to play John the Baptist!!" Kadaj dumps the water, quickly handing Rude the pitcher and pointing at him when Cloud wakes.  
Cloud sits up, soaked, "What the- Kadaj? Why are you here?"  
Kadaj grins, "I'm having a all nighter thing at my place tonight. Wanna come? Tifa can come to."  
Cloud thinks a moment, "Can I get into dry clothes?"  
"I'll wait downstairs."

Later that night

After having a tedious, and strenuous pillow fight everyone's relaxing, sitting on couch cushions on the floor in front of the TV watching a horror flick. Scary Movie 4!!! ((LOL)) Reno, Rude, Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Loz, and Kadaj. Yazoo's sitting on the couch behind them. After the movie, Loz is asleep and Yazoo nods to Kadaj.  
"Time to have fun, Kadaj, and for you to learn how to prank." Yazoo grabs up some markers and starts drawing on his older brothers face. "Now, Kadaj, the trick is you don't say a thing when he wakes."  
Kadaj grins at the marksmanship Yazoo used, "Loz looks better like that."  
Yazoo grins, "I know."  
Reno grabs Cloud's arm, "Hey, Tifa's out, too. Lets prank her!"  
Cloud grins, "What shall we do?"  
"Lets put her bra in the freezer!!"  
"Brilliant!! But, uh... how are we gonna get it?" Rude asks, turning to look at the sleeping Tifa.  
"I don't know how to unclip those things, let alone get it without her waking." Cloud says, grimacing.  
Yazoo sighs heavily, "Step back." he leans over Tifa, blocking their view of what he's doing. He leans back with the bra in his hands and Tifa apparently unmoved. "Bra, check."  
Kadaj gaps, "How'd you get it un-clipped?"  
"And off?" Reno asks.  
Yazoo shrugs, "It's a gift."  
Reno leans over to Kadaj and Cloud, "Maybe he wears them so he knows how to use one."  
Yazoo snaps the bra, snapping Reno in the eye, "I do not wear ladies undergarments, Reno!!! I just know how to un-clip their bras."

They put the bra in the freezer and see Yuffie out, too.  
Kadaj grins, nudging his brother and Cloud, "What should we do to the little one?"  
Rude gives his 2 cents, "We can pose her with..." he sees Reno now asleep, "With Reno!!"

They pose them and stand back, Rude, Cloud, Kadaj, and Yazoo, and survey their handy work. Yazoo yawns, lying on the couch.  
"Next," he says, nodding to Loz, "Lets paint his fingers and toes."  
"Yeah!" everyone agreas. When finished, they notice Yazoo now asleep.  
Kadaj gets an idea, "Hey, Cloud, have you ever given someone a make-over? With make-up?"  
Cloud, his cheek slightly pink, nods, "Yuffie wanted make-up on and didn't know how to do it. I'd seen Tifa and Aeris put it on, so I know."  
Kadaj nods in Yazoo's direction, "Tifa and Yuffie brought make-up, right? They wanted to do their nails and stuff, right? I say we have fun with Yazoo and his girlish hair."  
Cloud nods, "Yeah!" they give him a make-over, chuckling to themselves as they see Rude now unconcious. "Thinking what I am, Kadaj?" Cloud grins evily.  
Kadaj sees Rude, "Whatcha thinking, brother?"  
"We do something... naughty!"

Cloud grabs the markers, the make-up, and a sheet. He draws a crown on Rude's bald head and puts pritiful make-up on him, then, after Cloud and Kadaj strip him, make the sheet into a touga and put a stick in his hand. They take a picture before looking at their handy work. Rude dressed up like Ceaser!!

They nod next to each other, make-up and markers surrounding them. As soon as they knew they were asleep, Tifa and Yuffie got up and pranked them all!! Tifa, as payback for her bra being taken, plans to take Yazoo's underwear. But, after stripping him, finds that he doesn't wear anything under his clothes. So, instead, she draws funny faces and things on his chest and stomach. Yuffie, as payback, paints up Reno, Rude, and puts Loz's hand down the front of his pants. Tifa, grabbing Kadaj, nods to Yuffie and, together, they pull the best prank of all!!

Morning

Rufus Shin-Ra wheels in silently and, at the sight of Kadaj and Cloud ducktaped, upside-down to trees outside, still asleep (A/N: My mom actually did this to someone. He kept saying "word" and pestering everyone at camp when she was younger so they all stuffed him in his sleeping bag and duck-taped him to a tree outside, in the snow, upside-down), grins.  
"Tseng, help me out here. I want to do something."  
"Yes, Mr. President, sir."

Reno's the first to wake, after rolling over and splashing into the lake. He chokes, nearly drowns before surfacing. He gasps, looking around. Everyone is on flouties on the lake. Cloud and Kadaj are pissed as hell, finally waking to find themselves pranked.  
"WAKE UP, LADIES, TIME TO RISE AND SHINE BEFORE I REALLY PRANK YOU!!!" Rufus shouts, startling everyone to go flying of their flouties into the water.  
Yuffie squeals, bolting from the water and into the house, straight for the bathroom, screaming, "I am not presentable til I have make-up!! OMG, I am hideous!!"

Loz surfaces by the shore, near Rufus. The markers, make-up, and everything else done to him make Rufus scream and wheel away... way away!  
"What??" Loz stares at him, unaware of what happened during the night, he looks at his reflection in the water and screams!! "Holy fucking shit!!! Dear hell and the holy hand grenade!!!!!"


	3. Mrs Loz? WTF!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

If you don't like this chapter, go blame my sister... Good luck finding her.

* * *

Loz slowly wakes up to the feeling of no longer being alone. He sits up with a yawn and stretches, feeling something fall into his lap and looks down. His eyes widen at the sight of someones arm draped over him. He looks beside him and sees the one and only Tifa Lockhart lying next to him. He considers himself dreaming, thinking nothin' of it and lays back down and closes his eyes. After actually thinking about it, his eyes spring open as he jumps up and out of the bed, causing Tifa to wake up.

Tifa sits up, stretching and looks at him with bedrooms eyes, smiling, "Morning, love!"

Loz sits there a moment, confused about why Tifa is sleeping with him. In his room. In his bed.  
Tifa's eyelashes flutter as she looks at him, blushing a little, starting the giggles

"Whats so damn funny?" Loz finally gets out, not getting why she's giggling.  
"You might wanna cover up," Tifa giggles, pointing to Loz's lower half (A/N: if ya get what I mean... *wags eyebrows*) and offering him a sheet.

He looks down and sees himself, standing there, stark raving nude!!! His face turns a deep red as he grabs the blanket from her and pulls it around him.

"Why are you here, in my bed, with me, in my house, when your not supposed to be here... with me... where's Cloud???" Loz starts mumbling like an idiot, confused as all hell.

Tifa raises an eyebrow at him and thinks, 'How did they ever talk me into this!? I mean, LOZ!! If it was Yazoo...' she sighs heavily.

When Loz finally meets Tifa's eyes, she smiles quickly and says, "Becuz we're married, silly!! Don't you remember? Vegas!!!"  
"Huh? Say wha??" Loz stutters, completely dumbstruck.  
Tifa fake giggles and says shyly, "We are married, Loz!"  
"Uhhh....no we're not." Loz counters.  
Tifa stops smiling, "What?"  
"Listen good, girly. We. Are. Not. MARRIED!!" Loz repeats, slowly.  
Tifa thinks quick, looking down and bursting into tears, hiccuping, "How could you say that!? I thought you luved me! After all those sweet nothings you whispered about our future children and... and... our grandchildren!! Were they just that? NOTHINGS!!!" Tifa cries, throwing her face into a pillow and bawling.  
"Becuz its... uh... true?" Loz rubs his neck, kinda nervous because of her crying, but still speaks simply.  
"And after all that stuff we've been through!!! You say we're not married!! What would you're mother say if she heard you saying this?!!" Tifa continues crying.  
"Um... Oh, oh, yea! Now I remember!" Loz says, totally clueless but starting to believe her (and scared shitless of what Mother would to him.  
Tifa stops crying in an instant and smiles at Loz, "You remember?!" she wipes away the tears that fell, mentally patting herself on the back for the performance.  
"Yep, how could I have forgotten." Loz replies happily, finding his silver lining, mentally dancing, 'Yay! I'm married to Tifa! I'm married to Tifa!!! Even though I don't remember getting married to Tifa....I'm married to her now!!!'

'I really hate them now,' Tifa thinks, making sure to make a mental note of killing the others when she gets back and, for the moment, trying not to gag.

"Yay!," Tifa says, trying to sound convincing and praying it works.

It convinces Loz.

After getting dressed, they decide to go for a walk around the forest and then for a ride to town for ice cream. They act as newly weds the whole day, and when night falls, they stay at 7th Heaven instead of going all the way back to his place. Honeymoon, you know. So Loz had lived the day thinking he was married to Tifa Lockhart, supposed girlfriend of Cloud, but apparently not. That night, Loz goes to bed, Tifa by his side, still thinking them married. That next morning, Loz wakes up joyously, feeling happy all over. He sits up and notices that Tifa isn't with him.

'She's probably making breakfast. Lovelly wife... hmm, I could get used to this. Wife... I must have been dog drunk the other night not to remember. Damn Yazoo and his drinking habits and getting me involved...' Loz get up and gets dressed.

Loz then heads downstairs and looks around, trying to find the kitchen. Or the bar. He soon does and finds everyone sitting around, talking. He notices that Tifa isn't among any of them.

"Hey, did you guys know me and Tifa got married?" Loz asks everyone, his head high.  
Everyone looks at him like he has three heads and is dumb before Cloud speaks up, saying, "Are you sure?"  
"Yea," Loz replies getting confused all over again.

Everyone wants to burst out laughing but holds it back, not wanting to destroy the setting.

Just then Tifa walked in, "Hey guys, whats going on?" she asks, taking a seat at the bar.  
"Loz thinks you and him are married!" Yuffie says, losing it and laughing.  
Tifa laughs and looks at Loz, "What crazy fantasy are you living in?"  
"But....but last night..."  
Tifa cuts him off by saying, "I was here last night, all night, you can ask Cloud. We spent a romantic evening..." she giggles.  
"Yep, she was here... with me..." Cloud confirms.

Loz is now really confused and dumbstruck.

"Your a total and complete idiot, Loz," Kadaj says shaking his head.  
"Fine, whatever," Loz says sulking, "Was a good dream..." he sulks his way on out of 7th Heaven and back to his house.

After Loz is out the door, everyone bursts into fits of laughter at how dumb Loz looked when he found out that him and Tifa wasn't married, and how much he'd believed it.

"Now we need to get Mr. President." Reno laughs psychotically.


End file.
